This is great. I was just reminded of this blog... I received an e-mail telling me that it's erinisanerd's birthday tomorrow. I followed the link to my profile and journal entries and enjoyed my mourning coffee while reading about my past. weird. and cool. 2007 was a pretty great year. I think I owe a lot of my happiness to Sam and to school. Sam brought Dan and I closer just when things were getting rough. School was good because I was taking only academic courses and was doing far better than I had ever expected. I remember my room was especially cozy and I was creating some stable and fun relationships.

I started a second blog in 2008 and posted entries on a pretty regular basis until Dan and I broke up. I wrote about our break-up and then felt guilty for sharing something so intimate with the world. Of course not many people would even see the blog but you never know... and Dan is a much more private person than I tend to be. So I canceled the blog and started writing a more personal journal on my laptop. However there is something about putting your intimate details out on the web that appeals to me. This journal is perfect. Only one or two people I know would ever read this... anyone else won't really know me and I like sharing with strangers.

So here I am 2 years later. Sam is still bringing me so much joy. He is truly the world's greatest dog. School is about to start again. After thinking I was done (I've obtained my Bachelor of Design) I started picturing myself as a teacher. I realized that being an illustrator might take more drive than I have. There are SO many illustrators out there and I don't even have a proper web site up. I'm confident in my abilities and I seem to always be in the middle of a project but I don't push myself the way I should. It's a competitive field and I'm too busy thinking about my complicated love life, getting my house organized, or going on vacations to really get in the game. And so, I thought that if I went back to school, got the credits I needed to go onto teaching, I could become more grounded. But who knows. At this point I'm just glad to get the grants that are available. Financially I'm covered for the next year and that means a lot.

I still dream of becoming an illustrator full time. I should really get my head out of the clouds and put in some real time.

My other dream is to start an art program for kids that could run through the summer and Christmas holidays. My friend Calla and I are going to try and put something together for next year. I can see this happening. We have the abilities and connections to do this. It's the drive I need.

So what do I need to do to obtain this drive? I need to get my head around my romantic needs. I've been so confused over the past year. On one hand I still love Dan and have seen how much he's grown as a person. He's really becoming an incredible man. I mean, he already had a good heart and sharp intellect... he just needed to work on his confidence and maturity. Not really stuff I should get into on this blog. That's his business. The point is, I can see how wonderful he is and how happy our life could be. There's one draw back...

I have this need for fun... for a type of enthusiastic, silly, physically outgoing fun that is so hard to come by. It's a quality, that for me, equates romance, and I'm a romance junkie. I'm so scared of committing to someone, no matter how good they are, if that quality is missing. My fear is that if I do and then a person who has that quality comes along I'll fall for them and ruin the heart of a good man.
In a way, this has already happened.

I met Jacob last winter and after Dan and I broke up we started dating... like, RIGHT after. BAD IDEA. I'll never do that again. There needs to be time in between relationships. My year has been pretty screwed up because of my lack of patience. I was scared to let my chance with Jacob pass. He has that quality... that sense of humor and out going energy that I'm so drawn to. And although I tried to take things really slow with him our connection grew fast. Time together felt magical. We had fun doing everything! Even going to Canadian Tire was a fun-filled adventure. Every morning that we woke up together was a giggle fest. He gave me energy! His charm and charisma was contagious and I felt like the best Erin ever being around him.

But not long after we started dating did the comparing start. Where Dan is sensitive and intellectual, Jacob was immature and selfish. Where Dan was extremely loyal and the furthest thing from a "pig", Jacob was a flirt and seemed more interested in what women "should" look like... I mean, he had a subscription to Maxim. In other words I started judging. I also started getting really scared of our age difference. Jacob is 11 years younger than me.

In some ways the age difference was great. I mean, I'm pretty immature and love to party and be silly. We related on that level. Fun, fun, fun... and all that fun made me start to think about a future together and with that pressure added to my already in progress judgment, things started to break down. I started thinking about what Jacob, who still lived at home, would be like as a Dad. He had a great job (he's an electrician, and has money saved) but his maturity level when it comes to relationships is lower than what I feel I need. On the other hand he was so open to communicating about these issues and he never got defensive. He understood as best as he could... and offered to do whatever it took to change. But that kind of change isn't so much change as it is maturing, growing. And that takes time.

Then, back to Dan... someone who's put in a lot of time. Time, not just in me, but in himself. And I love who he is. In many ways I'm more comfortable around Dan than anyone. And I trust him completely. I'm attracted to him and to what he thinks and feels. We understand each other on a deep level and we've been through so much. I want to believe that it can work with him. But now I know what it feels like to be with someone like Jacob.. it feels magical. And that's hard to let go of.

I hope I can feel something magical with Dan. We're spending time together and it's going really well but I can't commit until I know it's going to work... I don't want to keep going back and forth. Who would? There are moments when I feel like it's perfect but then, out of nowhere, I miss the energy, the spark.

If Dan and I can create our own spark then that's that. I'll keep him forever. If, however it's not meant to be then I hope we can both find happiness... it feels like time is running out.

I turn 35 tomorrow. I thought I would be married with a child by now. That life seems so far away.

Tags: 35, love life
Current Mood: contemplative

In a few hours I will be officially finished this semester. I have a sociology test at 12:30 and I have to say I feel confident. I figured out the best way to study. As I was going over my notes at work yesterday, these paintings would flash in my head. Each one looked like Mark Rydan had painted it and would basically be an illustration of the point I was trying to remember. AMAZING! So now I just have to remember the painting that goes with the answer. Seriously... I studied like this for maybe two hours and today I can remember, clearly, several pages of notes. It's pretty ironic that I only now figured this out. This test will probably be the last test I ever take. Wait a second... I can use this technique for my driver's test! Now I have no excuse. I really should get on that.

The Mexican Christmas part was pretty great. I danced a bunch and the house looked beautiful. Dan fell on his face going up my attic stairs... that part sucked. He seemed fine even though his injuries looked brutal. What a tough guy. Good thing he had a few drinks first. The night ended with a crazy little jam up in my room... I finally played my mandolin!

Current Mood: relieved

Last night I watched Waitress with Chanda and Jen... it was great. I then fell asleep watching the Simpsons Christmas episodes. Sam was curled up under one arm, Quisha under the other, and Mimi curled up in my lap. I then proceeded to have one of the coziest sleeps of my life. It helped that I had the space heater on, two quilts, five pillows, long johns, leg warmers, two pairs of socks, and a thermal long sleeve on. I left the patio lanterns plugged in and the blinds open... so beautiful.

The last cozy sleep I had was when Dan stayed here last week while he was really sick. Well, the flu hadn't come on full force so he was mobile and still had a sense of humor. He was in that stage where he gets really cute and cuddly. During this pre-sickness phase Dan also tends to tickle and pinch me lots. I attribute it to a kind of regression back to childhood... in the absolute sweetest way. Mid-pinch we both passed out, him on his stomach and me on top, laying on my side. It was the strangest positioning but somehow we both felt extremely comfortable.

Today the snow is perfect. I took Sam out for an adventure. Since everyone is too scared to drive down the side streets I let him off his leash and watched him bounce around, chasing snow flakes. Every once in a while he would bound over to me, smiling, and jump up and down barking, "come on Mom, run around with me!" but I have my gum boots on and after my fall a few weeks back I'm very cautious. I would tell him that and then add "go find me a mouse Sammy!" and he would understand - cause even though he's simple, he's a genius.

Current Mood: cheerful

Gardens - Part 2

And it lingers, the garden. It holds on till the very last drizzly days of October. Snap dragons, pink and yellow, adding colour to the brown leaf blanket that covers our yard. Then death sets in and it to is beautiful. Before the endless rain comes, the brown and gold carcasses are dry and warm. Fat black seeds hanging and sleeping, wait to explode. The grass is so green, so lush and alive in contrast to the foliage drying up around it.

November comes. Nights hurry to take over the days. Wind and rain push each other over our heads. The bare trees look wet even when the clouds move away. The house is cold and the furnace is broken. I miss living in an apartment. The heat was always on.

But the furnace gets fixed and there is always the fireplace, and space heaters, and blankets, and long johns with blue snowflakes. 

December will be here soon and again I’ll love the house. Christmas lights will remind me of eating gravy, shopping at Woodwards, and sleeping in the living room. I loved sleeping under the tree in my man-sized stocking. I would look up at the lights and try to describe the smells and sounds of Christmas to myself… cinnamon, mandarin oranges, cloves, whispers, laughter, crying.  My Mother would be on the sewing machine adding unneeded touches to otherwise wonderful gifts. My cousins would be telling dirty jokes while playing with the gag gifts that would fill our stockings. The radiator would click and creek.

Living in a house has brought with it the privilege of having my family over for Christmas dinner.  There where twelve of us here last year. The whole family was invited, including small children. I used to be the youngest but not anymore. I became the hostess and welcomed them all into my home. My house. Our house.

The oven broke. For six hours the 28 pound turkey, carefully stuffed with Martha Stewart's best, sat in a lukewarm cave. I should have joined it. The fact that there was little to no familiar Christmas turkey aroma filling our house should have tipped us off sooner.

I sit now looking out my attic window. Two storm fronts are colliding, one from Hawaii and the other from the Arctic.  The neighbors Rowan tree is bare save the clumps of orange berries hanging from its long branches. It sways and bounces with every gust of Hawaiian wind. Or is it Arctic? Rowans where thought to be magical trees that protected one against malevolent beings.

Tags: stories

Man I wish I had a cup of coffee. I thought it would be better to wait until I was on my way to work but now here I am, sitting in my cozy room with time to write and no coffee.

I went for a long walk with Sam this morning and enjoyed the sun. I would be happy if for every week of rain we had just one day like this. I don't even notice rain anymore. I'm not sure when this happened... I think a few years ago. I just stopped being so aware of the weather. I notice the light far more. I might even be a little obsessed. I want to live in a house with huge windows so I can fully enjoy the changing light. I'm also really into the idea of having windows take the place of art.... instead of a big painting have a huge square window without any curtains. 

shit. I don't really have as much time as I thought. I wanted to write about school and my next project. I like the idea of keeping track of how this year goes.

I've decided to put something in the grad show this year in hopes that having the deadline will help me get some shit done. I have also decided that this will be my last year in school. As much as I would like to teach I don't think I can handle this routine anymore. I want to get a design job that will pay me well and give me the stability I need to get on with life. If I go to UBC then I wouldn't be working for another two years... then I would have to work somewhere for another six months before I could take anytime off. I don't want to have kids tomorrow but I would like the option to have them sometime in the near future.

My passion for design is returning anyway. Its interesting how this semester I'm not taking any studio classes but I'm feeling really inspired.

And painting. If only I could be a painter. I spent last night finishing up my latest cake and oh my god it felt good. I feel connected to oil paint more than any other medium. I understand it. This feeling of quiet control comes over me... 

Current Location: attic
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: yo la tengo

I'm a lover not a judger!

I am choosing to be more relaxed and more excepting. In return, my love for Dan, my friends, and family is growing. Well, my family is taking a little more time but I understand why.  I will  gain patience.

---------------

Walking to school yesterday I felt overwhelmed. The trees are so beautiful right now... the lagoon and gardens on Granville Isl. are exquisite. It makes me cry. I remembered the last time I walked through that scene and felt that way. It was Autumn 2004, when Dan and I first met and fell in love. Such an incredible time.

Current Mood: content

dream #2

I'm laying on mattress that's on the floor. An anonymous gay man is laying beside me and Jen is sitting at a desk just to our left. There is a big screen T.V. at the foot of the bed.

This guy is cuddling me and our hips start moving. We're both getting really turned on and although he's gay I decide to have sex with him. As he get on top of me I start to wonder if I have a condom anywhere. I ask him if he's clean and he looks down at me with his mouth full of yellow paste. He seems a little insulted then looks down at his penis, which is shaved and limp, and exclaims "Doesn't matter, it's too late, my penis just realized you have a vagina."


---------------

I can totally brake down this dream. All of it makes sense... each object and event can be traced - but what really amazes me is the way it's all put together. Not to mention the punchline at the end is priceless.

Current Location: attic

Gardens: Part 1

    Since the age of nine I haven’t lived in a neighborhood like the one I live in now. A neighborhood made up of houses. Since the age of nine, I have lived in apartments; candy-box shaped homes, compartments of families living in slight variation. The intercom outside like the map of flavors you can choose from. Some are to be avoided, like the orange cream.
   
We all lived close together, comfortable and safe. Who would I have been if I hadn’t had the security of an apartment? My childhood was far from stable but living in such an intimate arrangement I knew that other children’s lives where also shaky. Apartment buildings where like support groups. The best part was that I knew my family was far from the worst. So I think now, if I had lived in a large house or even a small one, how lonely would I have been? Coming home to silence. Maybe we would have had a dog. But then the dog (probably a golden retriever) would have perked up his ears at every little sound. That would have made me even more afraid and alone. Now, things are different. I’m not afraid to be alone.

Living in a house has benefits. There is space between the trouble and love. Privacy found, in theory. A large kitchen and brick fireplace, perfect for rainy depressions, doors that lead outside, not to dark hallways dotted with even more doors but to more houses. And for each house a garden.
   
I step outside my backdoor to the view of an expensive variety of trees. I believed, not long ago, that all these trees where indigenous to here. I believed that long ago this land was covered in chestnut and fruit trees, lorel and Chinese maple. Chinese maple. Is this just the ignorance of an apartment dweller?
   
Out my front door is the Serengeti. In the distance, towering trees with long bare twisted trunks are holding up bushy green that catches the light and glows. I always half expect to see a giraffe reaching up to take a bite. Across the street is a magnolia tree. In spring this tree performs miracles. The petals look as though they’re made from marzipan, each one soft and thick. I imagine myself shrunken down living inside an unopened bud…  kingdom of White.

My garden is the youngest on our street. I had to work up the courage to rip out the old weeds and dig out the rocks. The soil was dusty and old, filled with beer bottle caps and cigarette butts. I lived in this house for two years before I felt the time was right. I had made my way from the basement to the attic and found myself in love with the house. Then, months later I found myself in love with a man. He moved in before the spring and was happy to help me with my task. He was also the first to tell me when I made mistakes. I would try to be gentle with the poppies I planted. My Father had given me Icelandic Red’s. Only I wasn’t gentle enough. I dug their holes and tucked in their roots but I also buried their leaves, smashing them into the ground. I smothered the holy hocks with my chest as I reach behind them to set up string. I over watered and under feed. When it came time to deadhead old buds there really was death. I learned though. The garden has lived through two springs and two summers. This past summer was the biggest success. Cosmos overtaking the front left, creeping geraniums making a comeback from their 1970s invasion, cross- pollination causing snap dragons to re-grow in new exciting variations, and Irish bells sneaking up behind them all. The Icelandic Red’s made an appearance and the hollyhocks made babies. Scarlet runners climbed, offering balance and green to right side of the house. We made a trellis out of bamboo and thumbtacks. If we had made it 50 feet high the runners would have reached the summit by August.

Tags: stories

dream #1

once again my house has extra rooms... the basement leads to a huge theater, stage with curtains, rows of chairs, boxes and clutter everywhere. i've dreamed about this stage in the basement so many times. there is always a group of rooms up behind the stage. upstairs there are rooms that lead to bigger rooms, lofts and ladders. in this dream i felt slightly frustrated about all the boxes and crap everywhere but i also felt that i could clean and organize it all... it wasn't overwhelming.

i think this dream represents my feelings about living in a big house, or what feels to me like a big house. i grew up in apartments. i have these moments where i feel awe struck by how much room i have... followed by a feeling of panic over how much crap i have stuffed inside of it.

this past month i finally purged a bunch of unneeded items as well as organized all the stuff i just couldn't part with. so it makes sense that this time i felt some control  in my dream house.

Tags: dreams
Current Mood: calm

my head is stuffed up and pounding. but i'm happy. dan has gone to get snacks... sam and i wait together.

i haven't been sick at all these past few months. nothing. life has been so easy. this past weekend i pushed myself a little hard.

i need to have some quiet nights.

forgetting what it feels like to feel like shit... never a good idea. i need to treat my body with more care. i tell myself that drinking and smoking only on the weekends is cool but it's taking its toll. i don't want to take my health for granted since i know how bad it can get.

i talked to my mom last night and it was so calm. no impatience, no rudeness... we enjoyed our conversation. what a relief.

Current Mood: sleepy